Help Me! My Man is Unromantic!
This post is a call to action and I apologize in advance for the stereotypes it includes. When dealing with the human condition, there are always exceptions to the rule and shades of gray. However, there are also tendencies and patterns that make for valuable starting points for discussion.
Educate, don't berate, your unromantic SO.
With that understanding as a backdrop, I want to talk about a cultural expectation that I believe is destroying the art of romantic gestures and suggest a way to repair that damage. I hope to provoke some thought and discussion, and some may not like it, but so be it. It has to be said.
One of the most common DMs I receive goes something like this:
“RomanticMe Please help. I’m a hopeless romantic but, when it comes to romance, my SO is just plain hopeless!”
It hurts me each time I hear this frustration. It’s sad that she isn’t having her romantic needs met (and it is almost always a woman) and tragic that she feels powerless to do anything about it.
If this sounds like you and your situation, I want to challenge you to do something about it. Stop complaining. Instead, be romantic – you – yourself – and I’ll tell you why.
The prevailing social norm is killing romance. @szekiat said it succinctly when he said “[... ] Women expect Romance… Men have to provide it.” But think about it. If men are expected to provide romance, where are they learning that skill? Is it guys that create birthday cards and notes of affirmation for their friends in middle school? Are men the primary buyers of romance novels and self-help books on love and relationship? Do they get together with their friends on boy’s night out to see the latest rom-com? In this age of broken homes and misogynistic music videos, romantic role models are few and far between. True romance is not dead, but it is increasingly difficult to find.
And it’s sad to say ladies, but you are exacerbating the problem. If you have ever complained to your SO or your friends that he is unromantic, you are being just like Steven the jerk in my “footy” parable. If you are the one in your relationship that is missing romance, you are, by definition, the one that knows what it should look like for you and it is your responsibility to teach that, not his responsibility to magically generate it out of thin air. Failing to do so makes as much sense as sending Katie out to play Aussie Rules Football when she had no clue what the rules were. She was not experienced with the game and it was not part of her culture. Similarly, notions of romance, and the expectations that come with them, are not part of his day to day world and likely won’t be unless you initiate his training.
I believe that given enough time and instruction virtually any emotionally available male can be romantic. It is a skill that can be learned. If it is important to you, you need to be the romantic role model and patient teacher he needs.
How do you do that? “I do, we do, you do” is an adage and three step teaching strategy that fits perfectly in this situation.
In the “I do” stage, you need to establish that romantic gestures are important to you. Simply telling him he needs to be more romantic is like telling someone that can’t ride a bike that they need to come along on a bike ride. Words will only make him feel inadequate. You need to show him. Find gestures that honor him; that show you care enough to stretch for him; that surprise him; that connect you and make a memory. Take charge of your romantic life and be a model for his romantic growth. Show him how it is done.
If, for some reason, this has no affect on his perspective on romantic gestures, it isn’t a lost cause; being a romantic is rewarding in and of itself. You’ll have to trust me on that one. However, it is much more likely that at some point your unromantic man will reciprocate. Don’t expect a scene from Grey’s Anatomy. Rather it is likely to be something safe and classic – most likely “just because” flowers or chocolates. Your response at this point is critical. You need to show the same enthusiasm for this moment that a parent shows for a baby’s first steps. Do not critique his efforts with “nice, but…” comments. Accept it for what it is, a start, and give him the affirmation that will make him want to do it again.
This baby step is your sign that he is ready for the “we do” stage. Find opportunities to hand off parts of planning for larger romantic gestures and endeavors. For example, plan a romantic picnic, but have him pick out and prepare the food or scout out a location. Tell him you want to cook a romantic dinner for the two of you but you need him to purchase the wine and put together a romantic music mix. Play to his strengths, talents and interests. Find every opportunity you can to create romantic memories together.
With time, the “you do” stage may come naturally. As your man becomes more comfortable with his romantic nature and addicted to your affirmation, it is quite likely that the tables will turn and your man will move past the flower/chocolate basics on his own.
If not, a “surrender date” may be in order. An idea I first heard from Dr. Laura Berman, a surrender date is an exercise in vulnerability. You offer to leave everything about the date up to him… the outfit you wear, the activity plans, where you eat… everything is left in his hands. Tell him it would mean everything to you if he would do that for you. This challenge is a little like the first time the training wheels come off a bike… it will be scary, exhilarating, and potentially fraught with peril, but it is a start. A start that will give him the confidence to be the romantic you need.
If you selected your SO because of his romantic tendencies, the above advice may not apply. If he was romantic, but has lost that edge, there may be other issues in play. However, if you got together for other reasons (and most do), know that there is hope. Fight the culture stereotype; don’t just sit back and wait for romance. Instead, give your time and effort. Run with the hope that the art of romantic gestures can be learned.